I cant believe how stupid I am! Yesterday I was hopeing that you would call me or just show up at my house but instead I end up calling you as always and you tell me that your working at the fucking bar again!!! I hate the bar. Oh but its no big deal, "we'll hang out tomorrow, even though I have to work then too." YEAH RIGHT! 

Thats what I said to myself and to you, and I hear the same old story, "dont worry, we will." And as always, being the fucking idoit that I am, I hoped that we would. I havent been sleeping lately because its too hot and I was thinking about us. And I thought, maybe he'll do it this time, maybe it will be different. But no, it never is! I even thought that maybe you would be happy if I said that I just wanted to see you once in a while, like go on a date every other week. I thought youd like that, even if it kills me. But as I was laying on my bed today alone because everyone already went out, I thought to myself ok, I can do this, Ive done it before and I can do it again.

All I wanted to do tonight is go to your house, get my stuff and snuggle one last time. And I thought you would like that too, but apparently I know nothing about you. As always your to tired to see me, but you can go to the bar, or go out with your friends. Yeah, that only hurts A LOT!!!! I call you up, you know, the usual, and your falling asleep on the phone. You wanna have a nap before work, fine, but I dont even understand why the your even working there, its not like you are dieing and need all the money in the world. And, another as always, you push me aside like the piece of garbage you treat me like. And yeah, I know that right now your probablly really pissed, but I dont care anymore its just not fair, lifes not fair so why should I be care so much about you and what you want and need?

I changed my schedule at work so that we could be together, and go to the damn bar like you wanted, and now you dont even have time. You said on the phone that you care if Im mad, but you really dont because if you did then you wouldnt do this to me every day. Today my sister asked me to decided if your parents should be invited to the wedding and I didnt even know what to say, in the back of my mind I was thinking, "no! dont invite them, dont even invite mike because it will just be a watse of an invitation because we're not even together any more. To be honest, I dont know what the hell we are becasue mike wont even talk to me!" Ever since youve been working again I thought things were going good, then you were at the bar again, then you werent and now you are again. I know this is mean, but I dont care anymore, Im so sick of feeling this way. I thought that us seeing each other only like once a week would make you happy and then you would stop making me feel like this but I know that, thats never going to happen. You only care about yourself despite what you say. If you really loved me and cared as much as you say you do then you would have changed like I did for you. I dont wanna lose you and Ive racked my brain searching for the answers to our problems. But there isnt any, because you dont care enough about this relationship to try. You may be thinking that Im just pissed and that Im a bitch and what ever else, but its true. I even thought that maybe if we could just make it to that three year mark that maybe everything would be okay.

But I can see right now that its never going to happen. Im so sick of thinking that theres somthing wrong with me and changing to be what you keep saying you want. But its never enough. I was thinking about when we first started dating today. And I was remembering a bunch of things we did that made me really happy. Wanna know a secret? I remember the very first time that I ever hung out with you out side of school, I remember sitting on my bed, ready to go out, waiting for you to come here. I was so nervous you dont even know, and the first time you kissed me, it was like fireworks inside me. And then I remember how they got all screwed up. Ive tried my hardest to just remember the good things but I cant because just to think about you right now hurts too much. This has definitely been the worse year of my life. Because all we've done is fight, and then theres the wedding that was happening and wasnt and is again now, my niece or nephew dieing, and my car accident. And you know what the worst part is? Its that you promised you would be there for me when ever I needed you, and you werent there for any of it.

This year, all Ive done is be there for you, give you money, buy you gas, make you go to the doctors when your sick. All of which I did because I love you, you promised to repay all those things and I didnt even care because all Ive ever wanted to do is make you happy and make you smile. But you havent been able to do that for me for a long time, and you say you dont even care any more if I am upset or sumthing. I havnt seen you since Wednesday and it hurts. It really kills me, but when youve done this in the past and Ive told you that I missed you, you acted like you didnt even know that I was gone. And that hurts like hell too.

Anyways, sence you havnt emailed me or even bother to talk to me with out me calling you, Im assuming that you havent even read this. Which is fine, whatever, its helping me vent my feelings everyday, which is another thing you apparently cant do with out smashing somthing. But anyways believe it or not, Im not trying to piss you off. Im gunna go do sumthing now since you dont wanna do anything with me, as your sleeping right now. And I guess I'll talked to you next time I call you. It hurts like hell to be without you, but it hurts just as much to be with you. I just dont know what to do anymore, maybe youd be better off if I just disappeared altogether. Thats a thought...

June 26th

I knew that you werent going to show up last night, so Im glad I didnt get my hopes up. Today, at Mels I was watching tv and thinking that if I wanna be your friend or w/e then I should attempt to call you even if u dont deserve it. So we had, what I thought was one of our best talks in a long time. I understood when your phone died, and when you said you had to go, I was a little disapointed but ok bcuz the talk was good. After we got off the phone, I started thinking, "hey, wasnt it his grandmas bday a while ago?"

And I wasnt sure so I didnt do anything. Then when I got home early I thought maybe we could hang out if you were home, and so I call and to my surprise, you answer the phone. How do you think that makes me feel, you lieing again. And of course Bobs there and you never went anywhere. But your still going, even though you told me b 4 that ur grandma goes to bed at like7. So what am I suposta think huh? God, I mean, I think Ive been nothing but fair given the situation. But what ever so, I really dont know why Im even bothing to try and be your friend bcuz apparently even as just a friend your going to lie to me just as much or more then before. Im so lost right now.

I though that maybe, just maybe this friends thing could work, I thought the talk earlier was really great, didnt you? I think that if anyone needs someone to talk to, to figure things out with its you, and I dont mean Bob or Bj bcuz there just going to tell you to never talk to me again. I would like it if you could come to me, but I guess you cant do that either. I just dont know what to do or say. Its all down to you now, bcuz Im done tring at all, to be your girlfriend or even just a friend bcuz it seems like you dont want either from me.

But you havnt talked to me or seen me so I dont no. So, like I said its all in your hands now, but your being really selfish by not saying anthing at all. The least you could do it say something to me.